Conditions.

For crying out loud, Rudy. Don't look at me like that.

I've had a gross cold since the day after Christmas. I'm all stuffed up and cranky and my throat hurts, and my eyes are watery and achy at night and crusty in the morning. I SWEAR to you that I can feel my swollen thyroid, and I need to get in touch with my endocrinologist about it. Because did you know? I have hypothyroidism, probably because of Hashimoto's disease. I've been taking daily medication for about five or six years, and I got bloodwork done often while I was preggers to be sure that my body was working right while I was growing a Bean and a Toot.

My stupid cold could have nothing to do with my thyroid. But I'm suspicious and grumpy. This morning I was wondering whether I'd even have time to go to the doctors this week. I was thinking of it while I was preparing Marley's and Rudy's daily medications. Two separate doses of calcitriol (a form of vitamin D) a day each, and four separate doses of phosphorous a day. Each. That's twelve different doses of medicine a day. This is because they have x-linked hypophosphatemic rickets, and NO, interested stranger who asks me at Gymboree or what have you, it's not because they don't get enough sunlight or milk (and so no, I am not, as you imply, a bad mom.). It's x-linked. Genetic. (And guess who else takes calcitriol and phosphorous every day? Todd. He's pretty sure these kids are his, huh? No Maury Povich for US!) And their hypophosphatemia has more to do with the way that their kidneys don't get enough phosphorous into their bloodstreams before sending it on to their bladders. And then (untreated) their bones don't get what they need. So, they drink all that phosphorous, four separate doses each day, to keep the supply up. And their medication can have side effects, like, you know, the calcium dusting Marley's kidney's. She's got nephrocalcinosis.

My daughters share a pediatrician and a pediatric endocrinologist. Marley has a pediatric nephrologist. They also see the same pediatric opthamologist. Because they are far-sighted and both have accommodative esotropia when they aren't wearing their glasses. Like at night or when Rudy throws hers off in a Toot-like huff.

And NO, they don't have lazy eyes, and they don't need surgery or a patch. Thanks, geniuses. (I'm grumpy. And I always get defensive when someone comments on my daughters' glasses and then asks the inevitable, "How did you know they needed glasses?" And then I'm all, "Well, their eyes were turning in," and then I get, "Ohhh. Like a lazy eye." NO! My kids aren't lazy and their EYES aren't lazy and you don't even know! You don't EVEN KNOW!")

Because I am at a doctor's office or bringing my kids for bloodwork a lot. And I bring my mom to all of her doctor's appointments, and she sees a neurologist (Alzheimer's, which is potentially genetic, God help me), an endocrinologist (type 1 diabetes), a rheumatologist (raynaud's syndrome and, I cannot make this up, undifferentiated connective tissue disease), and her primary care physician for things like high blood pressure. And they all want bloodwork and scans, too. So I'm somewhere medical, on average, once a week. And I spend approximately five extra parenting hours a week preparing medicine, administering medicine, cajoling children to take their medicine, cleaning glasses, adjusting glasses, replacing nosepads on glasses, and taking glasses to be professionally adjusted.

I know it could be worse. I am human, and I often feel cranky about spending time at a hospital, like when my trip took FIVE HOURS the day we waited over an hour for Marley's kidney ultrasound to get going (Have you ever spent an hour in a waiting room with a one-year-old who wants to crawl around that sick room more than she wants anything?), then got so far behind we waited about an hour for the doctor in an examining room (Again with the crawler.). I finally got out of there with two relatively fed and rested children under five. And then I reminded myself (aloud, after venting to my friend Liz), "Yeah, but some parents were with their kids at the oncology unit today." And then Liz added, "Yeah, but some parents were with their kids at the library today." True that.

So. Now that I've gotten all that out of my system, I'd like all uninvited viruses and germs out, too. Okay? I can't take it anymore.